Learning isn't LinearSave

Learning something new can feel uncomfortable. We like being good at things, and we don’t like being bad at them. But to learn something new, we will likely have to be pretty bad at it for a while. We’ll be confused and not understand what’s going on. When we have that expectation going in it makes the process of learning much easier.

What we think learning will be like

Our brains are wired to think linearly. We expect to incrementally learn at the same rate over time. This can be frustrating because we feel like we should be further along in our new skill than we are. Frustrated that we don’t get it yet and not understanding why it’s taking us so long to get there. Feeling stupid and that other people would learn it faster.

What learning is actually like

In reality, learning isn’t linear. When learning something new there’s often a lot to learn. That means we won’t understand how all the pieces fit together at first. We could suck at it for a while.

But then something magical happens. One day, things start to click. Those previously disjointed concepts start to get clarity around them and we start understanding how they fit together. We have aha moments! It starts to make sense!

When that happens, our skill begins to exponentially take off. We rapidly improve, and pretty soon, we get close to the skill level we want to be at. We might not be at the exact level we need to be yet, but we’ve now seen such huge progress that we believe in ourselves and can see the path forward to get there. We have momentum.

What’s important to keep in mind is that we need to have patience during the time when our learning hasn’t taken off yet. Patience when we don’t understand yet. To learn something truly new and complex we could be in that confusion zone for years. Are we willing to put in that effort and time to get good at something? If what we’re learning will help us in a meaningful enough way, the answer is absolutely.

Too often people quit because it’s not clicking yet. But they could be quitting just before their learning was about to explode and take off exponentially.

What if we quit here?

If we can keep at it long enough, chances are good that it’ll start to click. And when it does, our new skill can change our lives.

The Different Ways We Learn

We all learn and process information differently.

For me, I find I don’t know my point until I start making it.

By talking it out, I actually discover the purpose of what I’m saying.

When I was in school the way I learned was by literally teaching the concept to myself out loud.

I had a tiny whiteboard and I’d pretend I was talking to students to show them and teach them the concepts – concepts I had just discovered.

I learn by teaching. This is my way.

What’s yours?

Some are more reflective. They sit with it, sleep on it, go for a run, take a break, and the solution or knowing percolates up for them.

Others write it out, see it, hear it, feel it. Take it all in, and then through that soaking up they learn.

Others are doers. They are experiential, kinesthetic. They learn through taking action and trying and doing and that cements the knowledge for them.

What about you?

We all have aspects of all of these within us, and all of these strategies help us learn. But knowing your preferred way can help. Because it allows you to structure how you take information in and reflect it back in a way that is most in line with you.

For me, it’s always been through teaching and talking.

People think you have to know before you teach. And yes, to an extent that’s true. But when you teach, you really get to know. At least that is how it’s always been for me.

So find your way. And use it. Even if it doesn’t match the ways of those around you. Or the company you work for. Or how your family tends to operate.

Your way matters. It’s how you operate. It’s how you learn. Cherish it, cultivate it, and learn because of it.

Trust Doesn't Have to be Earned

What if trust didn’t have to be earned, and instead was something you could choose to do whenever you wanted?

Imagine how freeing that could be.

You wouldn’t have to wait until a certain amount of time or occurrences of something before you could trust someone to follow through.

You wouldn’t have to be suspicious of the person until they met some predetermined threshold of trustworthiness – a threshold that often exists solely in our head, and is sometimes unknown to even ourselves.

You wouldn’t have to hold back from sharing your thoughts, wants, or desires until the person proved they were trustworthy.

Instead, you could just trust them. And from that place, you could share what you want to share when you want to share it, trusting them to receive it.

It can be this way, now if we want.

Because “earning” trust is something we made up. A rule based on what we’ve been taught and our experiences. But we don’t have to keep the rule if we don’t want to.

Recently I played with just choosing to trust. And it changed everything. Instead of being defensive, I was open in the dialogue. I could actually hear what the other person was saying. I could get curious, understand, get to know their perspective. And share mine without feeling like I had to guard my thoughts. Because I chose to trust them.

Choosing to trust instead of waiting until it’s “earned” means that you get to fully show up as you want, now. You don’t have to wait for the other person to do something, meet some trust earning threshold before you trust they can handle or deserve to hear it.

You’re free to be you, now. To trust them, now. To trust you, now.

No earning required.

Finding Your Way Forward

It’s time to put away the process. The manuals. The “how to do” things.

Those all have a time and place.

But they also distract. They also get in the way. They also can block us from accessing what we know that we don’t know we know.

There are a million ways to make money. To progress in our career. To do something. To create.

There are countless combinations of hows. Of steps. Of paths forward.

So we can stop looking for the right way.

And instead create our way.

We know the way.

When we stop looking outside and ask inside and respond to what we hear, we make the way.

Not the way for everyone. But the way for us.

That’s the only way that matters.

Your way.

Yes, it can be informed by what we read. By what we hear. By what we’re taught.

But don’t let it get lost in all of that.

Don’t let the loudness of others stop you from hearing your knowing inside.

Use what you learn, the lessons, the teachings, to help you hear you.

Not to replace your way. But to clarify it. Always knowing that you know best for you.

You are the one who knows your way.

Even when you don’t know it yet.

You make your own “how to” manual as you go.

You’re the way forward. You.

This is for the Nice Ones

You know how in movies one of the characters will say something like, “Yeah, he/she’s nice…”

And it’s said as if it’s an insult. Like being nice is a bad thing.

God forbid you’re the nice one.

It’s synonymous with…

Bland. Boring. Not good looking. Not the smartest. Not sexy. Not assertive. Not a leader. Not strong willed. Not independent. Not fierce. Meek. Quiet. Wallflower. Not a main character, more of a supporting role. Not that desirable. Pushover.

And in today’s world of the lean in culture where you’re supposed to stand up, be strong, tall, assertive, speak your mind – nice feels like it goes in direct contradiction.

So we often villainize it. You don’t want to be nice. You want to be strong. Especially if you want to be a leader.

As “they” say, “It’s easier to get people to like you than to respect you.”

Almost like they are in opposition. You can be nice, OR respected. But you can’t have both.

But I’m here to put my nice foot down and say.

That’s messed up.

You can be BOTH. You can be ALL.

Nice AND respected. Nice AND smart. Nice AND sexy. Nice AND assertive. Nice AND independent…(this list goes on).

Being nice does not pull you out of the leadership loop.

Being nice does not make you less than.

Being nice does not make you a doormat.

I’m speaking from the soul here. Because I used to buy into all that mumbo jumbo (even when I wasn’t aware that I was!). Secretly villainizing being “nice” and feeling hurt and frustrated when I’d been “caught” for being nice again.

But I see now that I like being NICE.

I don’t have to be ashamed of it.

There is nothing wrong with being nice.

In fact I’m PROUD of it.

NICE is my way. It’s not weak. In fact it’s so powerful.

Because I’m NICE, my coaching clients trust me and open up to me and share their vulnerable selves in a way they may not have otherwise.

Because I’m NICE, I create environments where people work together instead of trying to one up each other.

Because I’m NICE, I help others be motivated and keep going instead of scolding or shaming themselves into stagnation.

NICE is the ultimate superpower for me. I use it at work and at home. And I love it.

NICE is not the villain. It’s one of my best allies.

So no more seeing nice as wrong. Nice can be the most beautiful attribute – strength – SUPERPOWER of all.

So here’s to all the NICE ones out there.

Your niceness is part of what makes you incredible. It doesn’t get in the way of it. It strengthens it.

We’re NICE. And we’re PROUD of it.